what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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