i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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