Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
