Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
vagina is talking i cant
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
