A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
