I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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