i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
