pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
