Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
