Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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