I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
