Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
did i walk over a car last night?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
