I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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