All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
