I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
