I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The adults are the big ones right?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
