Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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