sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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