SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
