I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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