At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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