can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
