Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
