either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
