Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
