I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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