how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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