i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
