i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
