on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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