I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
