Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
