I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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