I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
