you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
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Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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