I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
