apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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