So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
