there's paper in my vomit.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
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I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
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Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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