I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
