that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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