i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
