Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
my being single is dangerous.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
