i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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