dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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