Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
