I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My dick has a subreddit
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
