I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
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You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
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How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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