Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
