It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
