Soap is not a condiment
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
