Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
