I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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