Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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