I am in a vortex of obligation.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
