About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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